


Never to Part

by owlaholic68



Category: Monster of the Week (Tabletop RPG), Original Work
Genre: CHAPTER TWO TAGS:, Codependency, Emotional Manipulation, Hurt/Comfort, Jacques is like Mirror Georgie except 100x worse, Jacques loses it, Kidnapping, M/M, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Not Safe Sane and Consensual, Panic Attacks, Self-Harm, Separation Anxiety, and James is not having any of it, even more than he already has, i guess, in just a general way not in a NSFW way
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-17
Updated: 2020-02-24
Packaged: 2021-02-28 01:48:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22775929
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/owlaholic68/pseuds/owlaholic68
Summary: Jacques goes berserk.
Relationships: James/Jacques
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

“Dear, what’s going on-” James is quickly ushered inside before Jacques can answer. Jacques pulls him to the floor of the mudroom and clutches him tightly, sobbing into his chest like he thought James was _dead._

He feels like he just walked into a pop quiz on his first day of class. He hardly remembers anything that just happened: He knows that he was home and then suddenly he wasn’t. He was in a library. He was in that endless library for days – almost a week all alone. Kept himself going by reading whatever books seemed to catch his eye, avoiding those that had an unnatural pull. Playing it safe and trying in vain to find a way out.

Then Teri and the rest of his friends had found him and brought him back. They seemed urgent, upset. Something about Emi – for some reason Emi was with Jacques at their house and Azarias was scared, wary. Concerned for his kid.

Concerned – but the kid was with Jacques and safe?

James’ stomach drops. Unless the kid _wasn’t_ safe with Jacques.

Oh no. He can’t think about that right now. He can’t – he can’t-

“J-Jacques,” he cries, wiping away tears of his own now. “J-Jacques, dear, I’m okay, I’m fine…” He tries to get up but Jacques holds him even more securely.

“No, no,” he keeps repeating under his breath. Manic, fast, slightly panicked. “No, don’t go – don’t go-”

James manages to scoot them into the living room and onto the couch. More comfortable than just sitting on the floor.

“Let me get up and get some water,” he requests. Tries to stand.

“No!” Jacques grabs his arm. _Hard._

“Ow!” James hears something crack in his wrist. Pain shoots up his arm. Jacques tries to yank him back down with that arm. “Ow, Jacques-” James yelps. “Jacques, stop, you’re hurting me!”

Jacques drops his arm like it’s made of fire. “Sorry, I’m sorry, I’m _so sorry!”_ He drops from the couch onto the floor at James’ feet. Hugs his legs. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to, I just can’t – I can’t-”

What to do… James knows that Jacques would never hurt him on purpose, but his husband doesn’t seem to be in a state of mind to realize that he’s more than capable of injuring him on accident. Of all people, _James_ needs to be the calm rational one right now. The worst thing he could do is panic himself.

“H-Heal me,” he orders. Takes a leap of faith in offering his injured wrist down to Jacques. “Gentle.”

“Yes, James.” Jacques touches his arm with two hesitant fingers. It heals with a few crunches that indicate it was probably broken. Jacques kisses the spot. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry….”

“I know. I – I know that wasn’t on purpose. It’s just that you need to be more c-careful, dear.” James tries to take a step backward, but Jacques is still holding onto his legs. “Jacques, let me go.”

“No. I can’t. I _can’t,_ please don’t make me. I couldn’t take it, darling, I couldn’t stand it, I _need_ you right now, I need you so bad it hurts, please…”

James manages to pry Jacques’ hands off him. He takes a step backwards. He needs space, he needs just a moment to himself to breathe and try to figure out what he’s going to do.

He’s not going to get that moment, it seems.

“No!” Jacques wails and tries to reach for him. Frantic. _“No, please!”_

“I’m just going into the next room, dear, it’s going to be okay-”

“No, it’s not!”

“Yes, it is!” James nimbly jumps back to avoid Jacques’ desperate hands. “Why – why are you having a panic over this? I’m not going anywhere, I’m not leaving. I’ll be out of your sight for a minute at most.”

“Too long,” Jacques cries. “That’s too long – it would _kill_ me, sweetheart, I couldn’t take it. I need to see you, I need to know you’re okay and you’re here and you’re okay and that you’re okay-”

What in the _world_ is wrong with him?

“You can’t do this,” James points out. “Not every time. My goodness, dear, I can’t be with you every second of the day. That’s not possible.”

Jacques tries to stand but is shaking too badly. Collapses in a pathetic heap on the floor. “Yes, it _is_ possible. It has to be, it has to be. You’ll do that for me, won’t you? You’ll stay by my side forever. Every minute, every second – you’ll stay safe that way, you’ll be safe as long as you’re with me. Nothing will ever happen to you again, _nothing, nothing-”_

James throws his hands up. His nearly unlimited patience is starting to run thin. _Confidence, confidence,_ he repeats to himself.

 _You need to stand up for yourself,_ the internal voice that sounds uncomfortably like his mother reminds him. _The earlier the better. Don’t let something happen that you’re not okay with. Not even once._

“No.” He stomps his foot. Jacques is going to throw a tantrum? Well, so can he. “No, no! I’m not doing that! No!” He points at Jacques, who tries to follow him when he steps back. “Stay right there and do _not_ follow me! I cannot do that, Jacques! I’m a grown adult and I need my space and I can’t be within your eyesight constantly! That’s not healthy and we’re not going to do that.”

“No, please, you’re ripping my heart out…” Jacques is getting more and more pathetic with each passing sentence. “You can’t do this to me…”

“I can and I will.” James winces. “I’m sorry that this is upsetting you so. I’m sorry I can’t pander to you. I’m sorry we need to be doing this.” He clears his throat. “You are to stay on this spot on the floor until I come back. That – that’s an order. I’m sorry.”

He turns and flees into the kitchen. Closes the door behind him. Puts his hands over his ears to try to muffle the awful sound of Jacques screaming like someone literally is ripping his heart out. Bawling, begging James to come back. Offering to do anything just as long as he can see James.

James sits on the kitchen floor with his back against the door and cries into his knees. Jacques is normally so stoic. Hearing him like this is heartbreaking. The marriage did something to him. It made his husband suddenly be on the edge of tears as soon as James is even remotely threatened. Even if there is no threat, even if it’s all just in Jacques’ head.

He sits there for a long time. Jacques eventually quiets. He keeps repeating James’ name between melancholy sobs. Still begging.

There’s nothing James wants more than to go comfort him. Make everything better just like Jacques does for him when he’s panicking. But he doesn’t dare make Jacques think that he’s giving in. That if Jacques cries and pleads enough, James really _will_ stay with him for every second of every single day.

At least an hour passes. James finally can’t hear Jacques anymore. He waits an extra ten minutes before pulling himself to standing. He gets a drink of water and fills a glass for Jacques. The least he can do to help.

He cracks the kitchen door open to sneak a glance. Jacques is still sitting in the same spot as ordered. His head down. Chest heaving with silent hysterics.

Oh dear. Still upset. James bites his lip and goes back into the kitchen. Waits another miserable hour.

Another peek. Jacques is rubbing his eyes with his sleeve, glasses in his other hand. He seems calmer. Forlorn like he’s completely given up.

James can’t help but take pity on him. He takes a step into the room.

Jacques raises his head. He shoves his glasses back onto his face. A relieved smile creeps onto his face. Like he honestly thought that something terrible had happened to James the moment he didn’t have his eyes on him.

“Hi, dear.” James takes a few cautious steps toward him. “How are you feeling?”

“Like I can finally breathe again,” Jacques rasps. “Like the sun just came over the horizon after a hellish night. Like I felt the warmth of a fire for the first time after being frozen for decades.” He wipes his eyes again. Stares at James like he’s never seen him before. “Like I’m alive again. Like blood flows through me. Like I can hear birdsong after being deaf my whole life. Like – like I can’t stand it, sweetheart, I love you like this and – and I can’t stand to be away from you…”

“I know.” James kneels and offers Jacques the water. “I know, dear, I know. I’m sorry.” He helps Jacques stand and leads them into the master bedroom. Jacques collapses onto the bed and pulls James down with him, wrapping him in his arms.

On the edge of being upset again. James needs to make sure this kind of episode doesn’t happen again.

“Talk to me, dear,” he softly says. “I’ve never seen you like that before. If I’m to be honest, that was quite frankly ridiculous. Like an infant with separation anxiety. I don’t mean to be harsh. I want you to be happy. So talk to me. Please.”

“You were _gone…”_ Jacques strokes his arm. Soft. His eyes are watery and despondent. “You were gone and I didn’t know where you were. I did a scrying because you never came back and you weren’t answering and I didn’t know where you were and-” He grits his teeth to bite back a low growl. _“Azarias.”_

James frowns. This must be the part he doesn’t remember. “What? Azarias? But why – why would he – he wouldn’t-”

“He _did._ I saw it. He took you away, he took you away from me and he didn’t bring you back and I _needed_ you, I needed you back and you weren’t back and you weren’t here and he had taken you-”

“Shh, shh, I’m here now.” James manages to stop another spiral. He’s going to think about that Azarias part later. Something about that doesn’t seem quite right.

“You’re here now,” Jacques reminds himself. “But you were in danger. You weren’t with me; you were in danger. He took something of _mine,_ so I took something of _his._ An even exchange.”

That part – the _mine_ part – they’re going to have to talk about that. Sometime that Jacques is less broken. Sometime that he will listen.

Jacques keeps rambling. “Well, not even, not really, nothing is worth you, nothing even comes close. Holy hell, I think I lost my damn mind…” He buries his head in James’ chest. “I would have done it! I would have, I really would have, and I really should have! What the fuck did _I_ care about the kid? I should have done it anyways just to teach him a lesson, I should have done it because he laid a hand on you and that was unacceptable and that deserved to be _punished!”_

“Dear, dear, shh…” James is too smart for his own good. He doesn’t want to connect the dots but his keen mind leaves him no choice. “You – you were merciful and kind and that’s why I love you. I’m so glad you didn’t follow through with anything. I would have been very disappointed in you if you had.”

“I know, I know, I know! For you, I did it for you.” Jacques ratchets back up to hysterics. “I’d do anything for you! Anything! Anything! I’d kill every last person in this wretched city if it made you happy, if it meant keeping you safe! It doesn’t matter, nothing matters – just you! You matter and that’s it, who gives a single fuck about anything else in this world? Or even – even Heaven and Hell and anywhere else: _nothing_ else matters. _Nothing.”_

Oh goodness. James starts crying. Sometimes Jacques gets too intense like this and it’s all he can do.

Jacques wipes away his tears. Frenetic hands but taking great care to be gentle. “I love you, I love you, I love you…” he repeats endlessly.

James doesn’t have time to have a breakdown himself right now. He pulls himself together.

Now for a test. He needs to know if _Jacques_ can keep himself together too.

“Dear.” He wipes his eyes. “I’m going to into the bathroom to wash my face. I’m going to close the door. There will be a moment that you will not have eyes on me and I _promise_ that I will be okay.”

Jacques’ face drops. He starts shaking his head. “No, no-”

“No, none of that now.” James rolls off the bed before Jacques can react – slowed by panicked disbelief. “Jacques, we need to do this. You can’t be like this every time. I won’t have it. I’m going.”

“No, please-” Jacques tries to grab for him but retracts his hand at the last moment, remembering how he hurt James last time. “I love you, darling, I love you and you’re still doing this to me. This _hurts,_ this hurts so bad.”

“I know and I’m sorry.” James sighs. “I love you too. I’ll be gone for just a minute and then I will be back. If you panic, I will be in there longer until you calm down, okay? Do you trust me?”

Jacques buries his head in his hands.

“No, _none of that._ Do you trust me or not?”

“I trust you,” he cries.

“Then let me do this. Trust that I’m going to be alright.”

James rushes into the bathroom and closes the door behind him.

He has to stay longer than a minute. Jacques works himself back into another breakdown.

* * *

This keeps happening. James can’t stop it and he doesn’t know what to do-

And he needs to stay calm himself. He can’t let Jacques drag him down.

“I am going to the store _without_ you,” he declares. Jacques is on his knees in the mudroom, begging James to stay.

“Let me go with you,” he pleads. “I can’t do this.”

“Yes, you can. And you will. I will be back in twenty minutes. That is plenty of time for you to occupy yourself alone.”

Jacques covers his own mouth to muffle an agonized sob. He keeps shaking his head like he can’t believe that James is really leaving him. “I – I can’t stand to do anything when you’re not with me,” he manages. “All I can think about is you, darling, you’re the only thing that matters to me – how could I do anything but weep when you’re parted from me?”

He’s getting to the overdramatic phase again. This needs to stop. They can’t live like this. It’s not healthy for either of them and James is going to lose his head himself if this keeps going.

“Clean the kitchen,” he orders. “By hand, no magic. Top to bottom. That should keep you occupied when I’m out. Think how happy I’ll be to have a nice clean kitchen. Goodbye, dear, I’ll be back in twenty minutes. I promise.”

He exits and walks resolutely to the car. Tries his best to ignore Jacques’ caterwauling, screaming for him to come back.

James returns to a sparkling clean kitchen and a morose husband.

* * *

“No. You’re not coming with me.” James tries to keep his voice firm but kind. It’s hard. It’s been too long like this. “You’re staying here in the house until I come back.”

Jacques doesn’t have words anymore. He just shakes his head with tears rolling down his cheeks. Clutches his own chest like it hurts, hand fisted into his shirt over his heart like it’s the only thing holding his heart together.

“Goodbye, dear, I’ll be back in an hour. I promise.” James leaves and brushes away tears of his own.

When he comes home, Jacques is curled around James’ pillow. Full waterworks, nearly inconsolable.

* * *

“Jacques, dear, I need you to not get upset.”

“I’m already upset.” Jacques is standing in the doorway of the mudroom watching James put on his coat and boots. “You’re getting dressed like you’re going to leave me and I know you’re not going to let me come with you.”

James sighs. Hysterics has turned into depression. “I know. I’m sorry, you know that I’m sorry. And you know that I am going to do it anyways because I need to.”

“I know. I hate it but I know it. Where are you going? How long will you be gone?”

“I will be gone for two hours. I – I’m going to Azarias’ apartment to tutor Emi.”

“No.” Jacques is suddenly grabbing James’ arm. Gentle but firm. “No, no!”

“Yes, yes.” James patiently takes his arm back. “I will be safe.”

“No you won’t! You won’t be safe and you – you can’t-”

James has to step back to avoid a suddenly over-clingy Jacques. “Jacques, you don’t have any say on this. It’s my decision.”

“Azarias hurt you!” Jacques backs James up against the front door. Pins him there. “He took you and he hurt you – or he was going to – and you can’t be around him, I forbid it, I won’t allow it!”

“You won’t _allow_ it?” James keeps his voice low. But some amount of his anger must seep through. Jacques backs off an inch and swallows hard. Lowers his eyes, realizing he’s said something wrong. “You won’t _allow_ it, Jacques? Well, here’s some news. Here’s something we need to talk about. You can’t _forbid_ me from doing anything. That’s not how this works.”

He gently shoves Jacques away from him. “Don’t talk like that. Apologize.”

“I’m sorry I’m just trying to _protect_ you.”

“No. No, that’s – that’s not an apology.”

Jacques grabs James’ hands and squeezes. Just on the edge of being too tight. “I’m sorry I love you too much.”

“No-”

“I’m sorry you don’t know better. I _do_ know better, I know how to keep you safe. That’s why you _need_ to be with me, be with me always. I’m sorry I’m upsetting you with this, James, I’m just trying to keep you safe. You’ll be safe, right? You’ll always be with me, right?”

“No, stop this!” James tries to yank his hands away. But he’s not very strong, to put it mildly. No match for Jacques. “We already went through this and you’re just doing it again! You need to _stop_ this. Now. Let me go.” He tries again to break free. No use.

“No need to go,” Jacques purrs. “You never need to leave. You can just stay here forever. Forever with me. I’ll make you safe. I’ll make you happy. Just stay here.”

“Stop it! You’re scaring me, Jacques, stop this talk right now! Let me go!”

“Shh…” Jacques spins him around and puts an arm around James’ waist, pinning his arms to his sides. He drags James away from the door, lifting him a few inches so he can kick James’ shoes off his feet. “Shh, darling, it’s going to be okay. No need to worry. Just stay calm, stay calm, let me take care of you like you deserve to be taken care of. You deserve only the best, my eternal sweetheart. Forever, forever, only the best…”

He’s not making any sense anymore. James gives up on trying to break free and instead starts yelling as Jacques hauls him into the master bedroom. Trying to get his suddenly insane husband to stop, to let him go.

“No, no worries, no yelling…” Jacques takes James’ scarf and shoves it into his mouth. Too far until James almost chokes on the fabric.

Jacques wrestles him onto the bed and lets him go for a second.

James takes the opportunity to yank the makeshift gag from his mouth. “Jacques, please, mmph-”

It gets shoved back in. James starts struggling again when Jacques takes a length of soft rope from the bedside drawer and ties James’ hands to the bedframe. Then he ties down James’ torso for good measure. Then both of his ankles together because James is getting desperate and has started kicking.

“Hm…” Jacques sits back to admire his work. He’s starting to look a little too pleased. He snaps his fingers. “Right! That scarf isn’t going to be comfortable for long. Need something better.”

He starts digging through drawers and boxes. James tests his bindings again. He’s starting to breathe too fast. Starting to cry. What is _wrong_ with Jacques?

“Ah, here we go!” Jacques comes back with a soft pillow-like bit gag. He takes the scarf out of James’ mouth.

James coughs and cries. “Stop! _Stop!_ Dear, what – what are you doing? Let me go, untie me right now – mmph! _Mmph!”_

Jacques finishes securing the gag. He cups James’ cheek. “Oh dear, relax your jaw, don’t bite down so hard. It’ll hurt if you do that too long. Just relax, shh, relax…” He brushes away a few tears. “No need to be scared, my darling, everything will be okay. You’ll be safe here. I’ll be here. I’m not going anywhere.”

He pauses and smiles again. “Or maybe I should go somewhere. Give you a taste of your own medicine. Let you feel what it feels like, what it does to me, how much it rips me up inside every time you leave me.”

James shakes his head. Leave him tied up alone? No, no, no-

“Oh, do you not want that? You don’t want me to go?” Jacques’ voice turns awfully patronizing. He stands up from the bed and backs up towards the door. “Isn’t that upsetting? The idea that you’ll be alone and there’s nothing you can do? No amount of screaming and crying and begging will bring me back. I won’t care. I won’t even hear it.”

James tries to yell anyways, but it’s horribly muffled. He’s shaking his head more desperately. Jacques – Jacques can’t be doing this to him. Whatever _this_ is. His poor husband has lost his mind, he has finally snapped and he doesn’t even know what he’s doing anymore.

Jacques opens the door and steps back into the doorway. Oh – oh goodness, he’s really doing this. “Goodbye, dear, I’ll be back.”

He closes the door behind him. James can’t believe it. Something in his own heart shatters into tiny, tiny pieces.

Jacques is gone for a long, long time.

* * *

He comes back. Of course he comes back.

“Oh sweetheart…” He holds James as much as he can with the odd way he’s tied up. “Oh darling, look at that! You’re still here and you’re still safe! All because I made it so, I always do that. I know best how to keep you safe, don’t I?”

James nods because he will agree to _anything_ if it means appeasing his delirious husband right now.

“It hurt, didn’t it?”

Another nod. Yes, of course it tore James up inside, but probably for a different reason than his absences hurt Jacques.

“You’re _mine,_ aren’t you?” Jacques runs a thumb over James’ wet cheek.

James nods. Sure. Whatever. He just needs his unhinged lover to calm down. To let him go and to have a nice rational conversation about this.

“You love me don’t you? Of course you do. You love me like I love you.” Jacques removes the gag and kisses him.

“I love you, Jacques. Now let me go. I won’t try to leave.”

“Mm-mm.” Jacques shakes his head with a sad smile. “No, darling, I really need you to know my pain. I need you to realize what I’m going through. You – you don’t have any sympathy anymore for what you’re _doing_ to me.”

James’ stomach sinks. “I _do_ understand now,” he protests. “I get it, dear, I get it! It’s awful! I won’t do it again!”

“Okay, sweetie…” Jacques releases him and stands. “You sound kind of hoarse. I’ll go get you a glass of water. I’ll just be gone for a minute, alright? Just for a minute. I promise.”

“Alright. Thanks.” James watches him leave.

He does not come back in a minute. He does not come back in five minutes.

Ten minutes in, James realizes what he’s doing.

“J-Jacques?” He calls out.

 _I need you to know my pain,_ Jacques had said.

James panics and pulls at his bound wrists. Rattling the bedframe. “Jacques!” He yells. “Jacques, _Jacques!”_

Jacques does not come. Of course he doesn’t – James never came back, even when his husband begged and screamed.

But he’s not going to stoop to that. James calms himself down. He’s fine. He’s not a clingy mess. He can survive more than five minutes like this. He could probably take a couple of days. Well, he could if he had a good book. A couple of hours, then.

It ends up being a full hour. James gets an itch on his nose and tries to figure out how to scratch it without the use of his hands. Other than that challenge, he’s mostly just bored. He’s ready for this ridiculous temper tantrum of Jacques’ to stop.

Speak of the devil…

“Hello, dear.” Jacques comes back like nothing happened. Like James always tried to come back.

“Hi, Jacques.” James keeps his head up. Chin stubborn. Not smiling. “This is a w-waste of time. I’m not going to have a breakdown because you left me alone. Now untie me and apologize. Properly apologize.”

It seems to be working. Jacques looks a bit taken aback at his attitude. “Darling-”

“Don’t _darling_ me.” James pushes himself to bare his fangs in a snarl. Maybe Jacques will listen if he counters anger with anger. “Untie me right now. That is an _order,_ Jacques. Do it. _Now.”_

“Yes, James.” Jacques immediately obeys.

James rubs his wrists and hops off the bed. He slaps away Jacques’ hand that tries to grab his elbow.

“You are in _trouble,”_ he hisses. “How _dare_ you do that to me.”

Jacques is starting to understand the depth of his anger. He backs off. “James, please-”

“Apologize. Now, Jacques. Apologize for what you did and tell me all about how you will _never_ do that again.”

“I’m sorry!” Jacques falls to his knees. “I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to make you upset! I – I just wanted you to understand how much you were hurting me! I couldn’t take it anymore! I just wanted you to be safe!”

“So you _kidnapped me in my own damn house?”_ James has never even heard himself yell like that. “You tied me up and you _ignored_ me when I told you stop and then you broke the _one_ most important rule of tying someone up! What is the Number One thing you must _never ever_ do when you tie someone up, Jacques? Tell me!”

His husband tears up. “You never leave someone tied up alone. Not when they can’t escape on their own. Especially when they can’t call for help.”

“Exactly.” James slaps away his hand again. “If you wanted me to really understand how much I _hurt_ you, then, oh I don’t know, _talk to me!_ Have a conversation! A normal, rational conversation! That is what you are _supposed_ to do with someone you love, not – not scare them like you scared me! I thought – I don’t know – I thought you were going insane, Jacques! I thought you were really going to hurt me!”

“I’m sorry! I’m sorry! I don’t know what I was thinking!” Jacques shakes his head. “I was an idiot and I’m so _so_ sorry I get like that. It’s just that I can’t help it, you make me lose my mind sometimes-”

“No!” James is _not_ going to let that kind of talk happen. “I don’t make anything happen, Jacques! You lose your mind all by yourself, you don’t need any help from me. You _could_ help it. Now apologize for real.”

Jacques snivels at his feet. “I am _so_ sorry that I scared you like I did. I am _so_ sorry that I tried to be controlling. I regret doing it. I regret it so much because – because it was cruel and awful and if I loved you I wouldn’t do that to you and – and-” He breaks down, shoulders shaking and face buried in his hands. “Why did I do that to you when I – _when I love you so much? How – how could I do that to you?”_

He descends into hysterics. James has pity and kneels, hugging Jacques while he wails about how terrible what he just did was.

This episode lasts for a long time. Jacques starts recounting to himself every tiny bad thing he has _ever_ done towards James, including some that he didn’t know about, and some that James is surprised he mentions. Tiny things, little arguments or harsh words. Events that didn’t matter to James in the long run but that Jacques still remembers and still regrets.

Eventually Jacques calms. Or maybe he just runs out of things to be upset about.

James sighs. “What to do now…” he wonders aloud.

“Just stay with me and everything will be okay…” Jacques murmurs.

“No, we can’t do that. We already talked about why we can’t do that, dear.”

“It _hurts,_ though…”

“I know. I know it hurts. I _do_ know. It hurts me too – don’t you realize how terrible it is to see you like this? To have to hear you scream for me to come back and knowing that it will only make things worse if I _do_ come back right away?”

Jacques curls up in James’ arms. He looks woebegone. “How am I to keep living like this, though? Every time you leave it kills me. But I have to keep living.”

“That’s right. You have to keep going.” James kisses his forehead. “You know how I am. With all the anxiety. And do you know what I do every time after I calm down? I keep going with my life. That’s what you need to do too.”

“I’ll try.” Jacques still looks down. “No promises. But I’ll try.”

“Good. That’s all I ask. For now. We’ll work on it.”

“We’ll work on it.” Jacques kisses him. That’s what marriage is, isn’t it? A constant work in progress.

They have a lot of work to do.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jacques' POV.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry!” Jacques is on his knees again for the third time that day. Clutching James’ hand like his life depends on it.

“Stop it!” His husband jerks his hand out of his grip. “None of that! We talked about this!”

He – he’s not letting Jacques _touch_ him anymore, he’s not happy and it’s all Jacques’ fault but he can’t help it, he can’t do anything to stop himself from losing his mind.

Jacques isn’t a crybaby, but it sure feels like he’s turned into one. He pathetically sniffles. “D-Don’t you _love_ me?”

“Of course I love you,” James rushes to reassure him.

“If you loved me, you’d _stay._ You wouldn’t do this to me. You – you wouldn’t hurt me like this if you loved me.”

James is clearly wavering. He reaches back for the door handle. He pauses and bites his lip. Always so adorable when he does that – just a little peek of sharp fang.

“Do you _like_ to see me cry?” Jacques presses. “You could make it all better, you could make things so easy if you just stayed. Stayed with me.” He offers a smile. “I won’t be upset with you later if you stay now.”

“F-Fine.” James kicks off his boots. He sighs. “Fine. I’ll stay.”

Jacques’ heart soars. He hugs James and presses him against a wall and kisses him. His husband melts into his embrace.

He needs to remind James that good things happen when he stays. When he does what Jacques asks. Jacques will make him happy. He will ensure that James will never be upset again.

He will. He _will._

* * *

James is looking through all the cabinets. Frowning to himself. Jotting things down on a notepad.

He’s going to go to the store. And he’s probably not going to let Jacques come with him.

Well, that’s not going to happen. It’s _not._

“James, darling, I have a surprise for you!” Jacques fetches a secret gift. He holds it behind his back.

“Oh?” James turns with a strained smile. “A gift, dear? May I see?”

“No…” Jacques coyly grins. “Close your eyes…”

James gives a bit of a laugh. This is always how Jacques used to give gifts, back when they were in their early days of dating. He closes his eyes and expectantly holds out his hands.

He giggles when Jacques takes his hand and lightly kisses his palms, more of teasing pecks. Re-conditioning Jacques’ touch to be gentle and positive.

“Open your mouth, sweetie.” Jacques breaks off a piece of this chocolate and holds it to James’ lips. His tongue darts out to lick it.

“Mmm…” James takes a delicate bite. “It’s good,” he mumbles, eating the rest of the piece.

“Good. It’s a special treat. Thought you’d like it.” Jacques puts the rest of it away. One chunk _should_ be just enough to attain his desired effect.

James finishes eating and gives a slight frown. He opens his eyes. “It does taste a bit odd… What’s in it?”

Shit. More sensitive taste buds than Jacques had hoped. He fakes an innocent smile. “Oh, I’m not sure. Harriett got way too much candy the day after Valentine’s Day, and Lucy’s been smuggling some to me so she can get all that shit out of her apartment. It’s a specialty flavor, I think.”

“Okay.” James takes the lie easily. He always does.

His vampiric lover suddenly yawns.

“Weird, it’s – it’s just past noon…” James yawns again.

“You’ve been so busy lately, maybe you could use a rest,” Jacques suggests. He pulls a pliant James into the living room and down onto the couch.

James melts into him like a piece of chocolate on the tongue. Yawns widely and slumps with his head on Jacques’ shoulder.

Perfect. That was fast.

“Just relax darling, just relax here with me…” Jacques strokes his hair and kisses his husband’s forehead. James mumbles something incoherent, confused wrinkles between his brows smoothing out at the kiss. “Nothing to worry about here, no worries, just hanging out with me – don’t you love being here with me?”

“Mmmm…” James hums. Eyes half-open and dazed. “Nice…”

“That’s right. I’m nice.” Jacques throws a blanket over them and continues to cuddle his drugged darling. Much easier than nastier alternatives. “And it’s so nice to spend time with you like this. I want nothing more than to sit here forever with you. Don’t you want that? Doesn’t that sound absolutely lovely?” He doesn’t wait for James’ confused mumble of assent. “I’d love that. Nothing to bother you, nothing to worry about. You’ll never be anxious or upset while you’re with me. You’ll just be calm. Happy. Warm. I’ll hold you like this and I’ll kiss you until you’re breathless and everything will be alright. Does that sound okay?”

James’ head lolls against his collarbone. Jacques takes that as a nod of agreement. How could James not agree?

They sit together for hours until Jacques’ work starts slowly wearing off.

James forgets all about going to the store. He doesn’t leave the house that entire day, nor the next.

* * *

However, James doesn’t give up. He’s stubborn.

“I can’t believe you’re still on this silly idea,” Jacques argues. “The whole thing of going out without me. It – it’s not going to happen, James, I’m sorry. I thought we already talked about this and came to an agreement.”

“No, stop it.” James is being very contrary today. “Stop it, stop it!” He takes a step backwards towards the door.

No, no-

“Don’t move!” James gasps. “That – that’s an order, I’m sorry! Just don’t leave that spot on the floor. Please.”

Jacques grits his teeth. Sometimes he really hates the instinct in his chest that burns to obey the love of his life. “Yes, James.”

“Good. Now we’re going to try something. We – we did talk about this, if you’ll remember. And you promised me that you would work on this. So we’re going to work on this.” James turns the doorknob, opens the door, and Jacques’ heart re-breaks. “I’m going to go behind this door for five seconds. You’re going to count to five. _Slowly._ And then when you are done, I am going to come back.”

“You promise?”

“I promise. And then we are going to increase the time to ten seconds. Then fifteen, then twenty. We are going to try to get up to a minute. Okay?”

Jacques shakes his head. A lot could happen in a minute. That’s not acceptable. That’s not going to happen.

“Jacques…” James looks upset.

Uh-oh. He did this. He made James sad.

“Fine. Yes. Let’s just do it.”

That gets James to smile again. Just a little quirk of his lips, but better than a frown. “Okay. Start counting.”

He goes behind the door and closes it.

“One.” Jacques swallows hard and tries to ignore the sinking feeling in his stomach.

“T-Two.”

“Three.”

He can’t – he can’t do this. He’s staring at a blank door and James isn’t here. Jacques starts wildly looking around the room but it’s empty and James isn’t here and he’s gone and Jacques doesn’t know where he is because he can’t see him and anything could happen to him-

“F-Four,” he cries. James told him to count. James said that if Jacques counted, he would come back.

“Five!”

James comes back. As promised. He kneels and lets Jacques hug him. “Oh dear,” he sighs into Jacques’ shoulder. “That could have gone better. We’ll try five seconds again.”

“No, no-” Jacques tries to reach for him, but he’s not fast enough. James disappears again. Jacques counts again.

James disappears. Jacques counts. He’s gone. He’s back.

“Twenty-four, twenty-five, twenty – twenty-” Jacques breaks down. He slams his hands on the floor and the carpet starts smoldering. Thin rancid-smelling smoke. Jacques keeps his burning hands there and sobs, tears falling and turning into steam.

James is _gone._ He’s gone and he’s not coming back and there’s nothing Jacques can do and it’s burning his heart like he’s burning handprints in the carpet and – and what does it matter, why does anything matter, why doesn’t Jacques just burn down this whole fucking house because what better funeral pyre to his love-

“Dear-” James bursts back through the door at the smell of smoke. He gasps and tries to pull Jacques’ hands up from the burning carpet. “Dear, let go! I’m here, I’m here! It’s okay, just look at me – I’m back! I’m here and I’m back and I’m fine!”

Jacques looks up and his heart cools. The carpet stops burning but the scorch marks stay. He makes sure his hands aren’t still fire-hot before he lays them on James’ cheeks.

“Th-thirty seconds,” James whispers to himself. Voice wet and tears in his eyes too. “We couldn’t even get to thirty seconds. I was out of your sight for – for less than thirty seconds and you almost burnt down the house.” His face crumples. He hugs Jacques and buries his face in Jacques’ shoulder. “I – I can’t do this! This is too much for me – too much and I can’t, I just can’t anymore!”

“Then don’t,” Jacques purrs. “Just relax. It’s going to be okay. You don’t have to keep fighting when you can just relax and let me take care of you. Just let me, sweetheart, let me take care of everything.”

James shakes his head. He pulls back and wipes his eyes. “No, we can’t give up. I can’t give up like this. Not so soon, not when we just started.” He clears his throat and sets his chin in that stubborn way that Jacques secretly thinks is super cute. “We’ll be done for today. But we’ll be trying again tomorrow. We will be getting to forty seconds, or else – or else I will be very displeased with you. We’re not going to give up yet.”

But no work gets done tomorrow. Jacques notices when James starts getting nervous – that means he’s thinking about this ridiculous plan of his. Time to spoil him some more. Everybody could use more chocolate, right?

James lays with his head on Jacques’ lap sleepily giggling while Jacques recalls light anecdotes from their history. He forgets all about his silly plan.

* * *

Unfortunately, he doesn’t forget for long. Clever, his darling has always been so sharp.

“Just keep counting,” he commands. “I’m not going to tell you when it’ll be done. You won’t always know exactly how long I’ll be gone.”

Jacques sits in quiet misery. He nods.

His husband leaves his sight. Jacques starts counting.

He passes ten. He passes twenty. His voice shakes at thirty seconds. But he keeps counting because James wants him to. Counting to forty is a challenge – his lungs are stuttering, he can’t hardly breathe – he can never breathe when James is gone from him.

But he struggles on. Climbs the mountain of his own pain to fifty seconds. Keeps going. James is still gone.

“Fifty-eight, f-fifty-nine, sixty.” Jacques stops. Sixty seconds. A whole minute.

James does not come back.

No, no – “Sixty-one,” he cries. Please, please – “Sixty-two, s-sixty-three, sixty-four, James please, sixty-five, James I can’t do this, sixty-six, sixty-seven, you – you can’t be doing this to me, sixty-eight, I can’t take it, I can’t take it-”

He can’t. He’s not exaggerating: he really can’t take it anymore. Thirty seconds was his limit. Sixty seconds is burning his chest like a raging inferno. Smoldering like pain and grief and possessiveness all wrapped up into one neat bundle of a mess.

“James, please!” He screams. “J-James, come back! I – I’ll do anything but I can’t take the counting anymore, it’s driving me insane! Come back, please!”

He doesn’t come back.

Jacques is gripped by an irrational panic. He can’t be ignored like this. This is awful and cruel.

He stands, nearly falls from how badly he’s shaking. Stumbles over to the kitchen counter and his trembling hands find the knife block.

Physical pain is a sick relief. He’d picked the sharpest knife they had. Drove it deep into his forearm. Ripped it out. Blood spills over his wrist and drips on the tile floor.

“J-Jacques?” James throws the door open. He puts a hand over his mouth. Horrified. “Oh – oh my goodness. Oh no, oh – don’t – Jacques, put the knife down. P-Please just put the knife away!”

He drops the knife. Why does he need that when he has James now?

James skitters back when he approaches for a hug. “Jacques – heal yourself, my goodness you’re bleeding so much, you – you _stabbed_ yourself-”

Oh right. He can heal himself. Jacques puts his hand over the wound. He pauses. Stops. Frowns and pulls his hand back. “No.”

“No?” James’ voice ratchets up a few octaves. “What do you mean, no? Please – please heal yourself, you’re hurt-”

“No! No, this is _nothing_ compared to what you’ve been putting me through!” Jacques promised that he would never yell at James. But he’s desperate. He needs James to listen. “I’d take being stabbed with fifty knives over what you’re doing to me. This is _torture._ Have you lost all love for me, to be tormenting me so mercilessly? What – what’s wrong with you?”

“What’s wrong with _me?_ I – I don’t-” James backs up even more. He shakes his head. “No, Jacques, wh-what’s wrong with _you?_ This – this isn’t you, this isn’t how you should be acting, this isn’t right – you’re not acting right. Something’s wrong-”

Jacques goes forward and grabs James’ hand, ignoring his husband’s yelp of dismay. “Of course something’s wrong! You’re _killing_ me and you don’t seem to care!” He puts James’ hand over his wound. Blood seeping through James’ pale fingers. _“This is what you’re doing to me!”_ He yells.

“No, no-”

“Yes! Yes! Don’t you understand? Don’t you see?” Jacques tightens his grip when James tries to yank his hand away. “Is this wound any more or less real just because you can feel the blood? Every time you leave my sight you stab me like this, except it’s in my heart and it never heals, it can never heal even when you come back and – and I know I’m losing it, James, I know that this isn’t how I’m supposed to be acting. But how – how can I? I’m bleeding out and you’re just pouring salt on the wound when you’re supposed to be helping!”

James tries to turn away to hide his tears, but Jacques backs him up against the wall. “J-Jacques, stop it, stop it, stop yelling at me-”

“I know what you’re thinking!” Jacques continues. Unheeding. He needs to say what he needs to say. “I know that you’re thinking that I’m crazy! And you’re right! I’m not in my right mind, and I’m like this because of you, because you keep leaving me and you keep getting hurt and I’m just trying to protect you and I keep failing! I can’t protect you when you’re not here!” He squeezes James’ hand and raises it to his lips. Kisses it, blood and all. “When you’re here, I’m sane. I can be normal again. I can function with you by my side. But when you’re not with me, I can’t, I can’t, I can’t and you can’t make me and you can’t fix me and the only cure is you, darling. You. Only you. So just stay.”

His husband cries. “I can’t, I can’t!”

“Shh, yes you can. Yes you can, just stay. Just try for me, okay? Can you just try for me? I – I’ve been trying for you, I’ve been trying so hard and it’s not working.”

His dear gentle James hugs him tightly. He doesn’t say anything, just hyperventilates and cries.

Jacques picks him up and carries him into the living room. Sets them down on the couch. As an afterthought, he heals his arm – James doesn’t like blood on the carpet.

They sit there for hours. James eventually calms after endless amounts of soothing, of Jacques whispering calming things to him and rubbing his back. It takes a lot; it usually doesn’t take this long anymore. James has gotten more resilient over the years, quicker to calm after a bad panic.

“Dear-” James breaks off into a coughing fit.

“Shh, breathe, breathe, you’re making yourself sick.” Jacques picks him up again and carries him back into the kitchen. Fetches some water and makes James drink it. “You’re making yourself ill like this, darling. You can’t keep going on like this.”

James nods. “I can’t. I can’t keep doing this.”

“Glad we agree.” Jacques picks him up again and carries them into the bedroom. Wraps James’ favorite quilt around him and cuddles him in their heat circle. “I’m glad you’re finally listening, finally seeing sense. I’ll take care of you, I’ll make sure you’re okay. You just need to relax and let me help. Let me _help_ you, James. Please.”

He nods again. Wipes his eyes with the back of his hand. “I’m too tired to argue right now. How about a compromise?”

It’s Jacques’ turn to bite his lip. If it will make his husband happy… “Sure. I’ll hear you out.”

“I’ll let you come with me when I go out of the house,” James murmurs. “I will allow you that. But inside the house, sometimes I need space. I would like to be able to close the door behind myself and – and know that you’re not going to _hurt_ yourself because of it. You need to last as long as you can, okay? Know that I am still inside the house and if I am inside the house, I’m safe, right?”

Jacques nods. Theoretically. Though anything could happen-

“No, I _am_ safe inside the house.” James notices his rising worry. “I am, I am. So please, Jacques. Try to last as long as you can. Then you can come find me to assuage your fear. But I – I’m an introvert, dear! I need my alone time once in a while! Do it for me. Do it for me, okay?”

“Okay,” Jacques agrees. Fine. A compromise that will make James happy. “Okay. I agree.”

“Thank you. Thank you, dear. That’s all I ask.” James yawns and lays his head on Jacques’ shoulder. “Let’s just sit here for a while. This – this has been exhausting.”

They sit there curled up together. Together like it’s right. It’s always right.

* * *

“Dear, I’m going to the store.” James keeps his eyes down. Still kind of upset. But an upset husband is a very small price to pay for having a _safe_ husband. “Let’s go.”

“Okay!” Jacques chirps. He quickly puts his winter clothing on and leaves the house with James.

At his side like he ought to be. Jacques holds his hand and skips down the sidewalk, pulling James with him and making him laugh a little. He feels like a little kid who has been given the most wonderful present imaginable.

Slows his pace as they get closer to the store. Puts his arm around James’ waist and holds him close, glee starting to turn into paranoia as they get closer to more people.

“Dear, dear…” James touches Jacques’ cheek. “You’re going to help me find everything at the store, right?”

“Right!” He sings. Of course – why should he pay attention to anything else but his glorious partner?

“Thanks.”

James suddenly yelps and windmills his arms. Slipped on a patch of ice. Jacques, still holding onto him, easily catches him and maneuvers him to a safer part of the pavement.

He would have _fallen_ if not for him. Jacques’ chest lights up with pride and success. He protected James – he protected him from something that would have hurt him. He’s doing a good job – it’s a good thing that he’s with James, who can’t be alone otherwise he would hurt himself, right? He only gets hurt when he’s not with Jacques, so if he is _with_ Jacques, then he won’t get hurt.

Flawed logic that conveniently forgets the times that Jacques himself has hurt James. But paranoia has taken the place of reason, and Jacques floats on a cloud the entire time they’re at the store. He stops a reckless kid’s shopping cart from bumping James. Another victory.

He can protect James from _anything._ Nothing will hurt him, nothing, nothing-

“Dear, let’s go back now. I’m done.” James turns to him with an uneasy smile. Holds out his hand.

But Jacques just sees the smile. James is smiling. That is good, that means good things.

Jacques takes his hand. Smiles himself. More manic but still a smile.

They walk home together.

Together. They will _always_ be together.

**Author's Note:**

> Me at the beginning of this: oh just a little hurt/comfort, everything will be relatively fluffy and fine.  
> Me near the end: ok somehow Jacques KIDNAPPED JAMES IN HIS OWN HOUSE WTF


End file.
